I will begin posting a little differently, as I feel that I must. The process of grief is a continual churning, never ceasing, stirring, that keeps my heart and soul perpetually in a state of movement, physical pain of loss, and anguish of remembering all that I want and all that I don’t want. With that, the future posts will include two journal entries – one from the time it began, and one from today. I must know that I am developing and that I am growing, even as hard as it is. I must keep on. While I will admit this week in July has been as hard as the one in February – a most trying one, a most lonely one – yet it was one in which I have seen such victories and have had wonderful fellowship. How, I ask: do I go through the highest highs and the lowest lows in one fell swoop?
My only answer is, I must be flying.
February 28, 2021
Yesterday marked exactly one month since you have not been here with me and there are times when I am terribly afraid of my unknown future or just of living without you – my husband, my lover, my friend….
July 27, 2021
Today marked half a year I have been without you. I am still terribly afraid of my unknown future without my husband, my lover, my friend…
I am reminded by the words of my beloved William, “Don’t Be Afraid,” and that I must recognize and rise to the challenge that I undoubtedly must continue onward.
Below is an excerpt from “Don’t Be Afraid.”
"You don't have to be afraid. Because even though you might not always respond to those kinds of challenges in the way that you would like, God responds according to His character. God is always going to stand by you. You might not always react to bereavement the way you want to or to tests of your faith the way you want to, or to the way people treat you the way you'd like to, but you can be absolutely certain that God is going to stand by you. God is going to take you by your hand. God is going to lead you through this life. He's going to lead you through the valley of the shadow of death. You will never be on your own. You will never have to fend for yourself. You will never have to do anything in your own strength. The God that we serve is a covenant God. The God that we serve is a faithful God. The God that we serve is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."