The Carrol Foundation

Week 1: Morning after Mourning

January 26, 2021

“Let’s do a sleepover in the living room and watch movies we watched on our honeymoon,” William exclaimed to my surprise, as he had been so sick.

I answered hesitantly, “Sounds like fun and you will probably sleep better in the chair and me on the couch with all that’s been going on, but are you really feeling up to it?”
“Absolutely,” replied William, eyes lit up with excitement about watching Ichabod and Mr. Toad and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh…(yes these are the movies along with John Henry we watched on our honeymoon)

January 27, 2021

I was awakened to the soft, sweet voice of my beloved, “Good morning my angel, do you think you can help me get to the bedroom and you made sure to post the videos for the students right?”  

“Good morning”, I yawned, “yep, classes are posted and yes, let’s get you to the bedroom. I am actually feeling rather productive after this week so I am gonna head upstairs to the office to work a bit and make sure you are good for classes the rest of this week and then packages should be arriving today. I will let you know once everything is here. Rest well my sweet.”

A kiss on his cheek, caressing his head with my hand and like always he gathers my hands to his lips and kisses them, I adjust his little hat back on his head and I exit the room.

I should just lay down too, but I will be back soon to check in. I went on about my business of the day.  I received a phone call about packages being delivered to the house from the office and so I went directly outside to meet the students who were bringing them all over.  I opened every box and went about putting things away and was carrying a small bundle when I went to our bedroom to check on you and show you all the goods.  Upon entering I saw you sitting on the edge of the bed… I knew at an instant something wasn’t right but thought to lift your spirits a bit by going on about receiving packages as I made my way quickly to your side, but it was all in vain, for that’s when you said to me…

“Trees, help me sit up, I can’t breathe, I just need to get repositioned. I will be fine.”

“I will be fine”, you gasped at words. While those deep brown eyes gazed into my soul.. Your last breath was to give me comfort and…and…All I could do was hold you.

January 29, 2021

It’s Friday evening… It’s been two days and I miss you so much.  In some ways I feel like you are just at the hospital for a stay and I will be going to see you in the morning since visiting hours are over for this evening- but…

 I will see you again.
 I will hear your voice again.
 I will feel your touch again.… 

oh your touch so warm, so gentle the way you caress my face, the way you touch me the tenderness of your hands, the strong comforting embrace of your arms–

How your gentle whisper is thunderous it sends to flight all fear and concern it causes me to quake with joy and abundance.  But your words, “I will be fine” why is your last whisper piercing my ears as I am fighting the comfort it insists upon me?

Your face. Your eyes. Always heavenward, smiling and shining as one who has glimpsed God.

My heart, once full, is now divested of the warmth of life – it is a shell – I am cold.

January 30, 2021

I must hear your voice. I cannot go another minute, but how, how can I hear without you here.  Wait…I have messages upon messages where I cannot only hear you but see you and once again be touched by your ministry. 

“This is an opportunity for you to see God in ways that you have yet to experience” 

– Pastor Will, Morning after mourning

Morning after Mourning, seems like an appropriate title under the circumstances. I listened and realized very quickly God would insist on comforting my heart and would again allow me to listen again to the teachings that I had been privileged to for the last 20 years and I would once again be comforted as only the Holy Spirit can. The message comforted me and challenged me (though it’s still a process) but I pray it encourages you as well as you listen and let the Lord speak to you where you are.